"If Only" - Ryan's Reply to Kheya

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Third & last part of the Trilogy "Kheya" - Why this Kolavari di ? Kheya has already replied what she went though.  Now its Ryan’s turn to tell his part of the story. If you haven’t read earlier two posts then please read them first. "Kheya" - Why this Kolavari di ? & Kheya's Reply to "Why this Kolavaridi".

“Everything that happens once can never happen again. But everything that happens twice will surely happen a third time, or fourth.” +THE ALCHEMIST, PAULO COELHO

Love doesn’t change, people do. For those who believe, no evidence is indispensable. For those who don’t, no proof is possible. How much I loved you needs to no attestation if you have had believed in me, Miss/Mrs ‘Kheya’.

Have I ever told you about the first time I saw you? Everything was young back then. The era before hope, love and dawn. There was just me and then there was light, there were you, my shining, ‘twinkling’ star. 

“Love” has got a tremendous supremacy in itself. The power of sacrifices, be it non-veg, beer, Xbox, sleep or anything else. You never asked me to forfeit these, but I did because that would have made you happy. Kheya did you ever tried to know how I knew your flat number and address when you lost your phone? Nor you asked how every time when you came to coffee vending machine, I used to be present there. Was that all coincidences? Nah !!! A lot of things happened in background Kheya. Its true that you proposed me but it was me who fell in love with you since I saw you first time. Love at first sight happens, definitely happens. “Dear, that if eyes were made for seeing, then beauty is its own excuse for being.”

Have you ever noticed Kheya that colour of my t-shirt always matched with yours? You liked to wear light colour dresses in beginning of the week, yellow on Thursday and mostly blue or black on Fridays? You might do it randomly but I used to keep several tees in my bag to match the colour of your dress, I though you would observe me someday and like that six months passed, you never discern but my friends did. There were you and there were unspoken stories.I thought I shall shape the stories, but the reverse became closer

to the truth and then one day I found your phone lying on ground near your cubicle.

That was the best moment of my existence when you hugged me. I was aware of your large number of admirers that’s why when you asked me for the treat, I delayed it, I was all set at that moment itself, but didn’t want to show you how anxious I was I didn’t want to loose you in hurry, which is typical opposite to my character. I hate reading novels but since you liked it and liked more to discuss I started reading them, A few nights I woke all long just to complete the novel so next day we could discuss.

There were friends who always helped me, may be they knew how much I liked you. The girl who sat next to you used to ping me the moment you pick
your coffee cup and in no time I used to rush to the coffee machine and you always though it was coincidence. We called it settings, like this there were many. How can I ever forgot the ever memorable moments of planning and execution. You know though being a boy I spent two hours time in front of the mirror, wiped out crease of a dozen t shirts the evening you gave we meet for
your ‘phone’ treat.


Kheya, the two years we spent together was the most beautiful phase of my life. Might be I stopped telling you how much I loved you everyday, but did that mean I actually didn’t? Haven’t u seen the dairy milk romance ad ? Remember those chocolates? were not those token of love? Up and downs are part of a relation, did not we stand for each other during toughest of times? Then why you didn’t tell me if you thought I stopped loving you ? Does feeling change so fast? At least not for me Kheya.

If you really loved me then why you left me alone and went to Pune? Why you didn’t come back in one month which was scheduled? Didn’t you know how lonely I was living? I stopped going out with friends on weekends so that I can talk to you on phone. And one day you said over the same phone it’s over and tried to justify it. You said its over because you don’t feel for me anymore.

I don’t think you gave up because you believed the things you said. I don’t. I feel you wanted to believe them, because you’re quitting. And you wanted me to agree with you, and you wanted me to say,“Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re right.” It’s all fucked up. I don’t agree with you. I simply can’t yaar.  “Of all the lies you told me, `I Love You` was my Favourite.”

Then, there was a pause in my life, a longer one. No one knows how I survived those days. Well I must thank you for this, because of =you I came to know who my true friends are after all.

Remember the song “Aisa Zakham diya hain jo na phir bharega, Har haseen chere se ab yeh dil darega.”  ? Exactly the same.Now i fear any girl who want to come close. I was stuck in between a tornado, a long one and then my friends showed me the way. Once the storm was over I didn’t remember how I made it through, how I managed to survive. Even now, I am not sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain now I’m not the same person who walked in. You changed me completely Kheya. Last time we spoke you said me that I am jealous of Sam and You are happier than ever. I wish you happiness Kheya, you deserve to be happy, but I have got beyond that by some means.

I never got a chance to put my words what might have teared the relation apart.  May god bless you happiness but don’t ask me to pardon you, I am not God. You can’t set some on ablaze and then give him band-aid to show you do care/ed. I have to walk and live with an unbearable pain within me for my whole life, may be with time I will adjust to live with it but the pain will be there, always. 

“First Love” is the purest of all emotions and when it breaks ….

Love never dies, some affairs which can’t reach its destination, is better being stopped up at a nice point. With negativity in heart we can’t spread happiness. If only I could erase those sad memories and carry on. I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let them go, you believe lies so you sooner or later learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. I shall bank upon the happy days we had together and help people make happy stories.  
Finally ending my reply with what I have written for you long back. Remember the first day when you came  to my desk and I was typing something in notepad. Here it is.

If Only

If only I could call U like a murmuring stream, Could U still stay without responding?

If only I could have been that glittering star, Could U then avoid me like that?

If I touch U like a squall, Can U still neglect the shiver?

If my love could be like moonlight, Could U still hide Yr-self?

If my tears could fall on yr lips like raindrop, Could U still abate yr trembling lips?

If I could have been the frosty wind of winter, won’t U resist me with a little warmth?

If I would have been the nature, Could you still say “Don’t love me”


U can only deny, but U can’t escape my -Love.

"I shall ignore you so much that you'll begin to Doubt your own Existence.  +Mr. Ryan Malhotra."

© & ℗ Reserved: +Pritam Pal